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THE TIMELORDS T H E M A N U A L (HOW TO HAVE A NUMBER ONE THE EASY WAY) THE JUSTIFIED ANCIENTS OF MU MU REVEAL THEIR ZENARCHISTIC METHOD USED IN MAKING THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPEN. The prison is then complete; either the artist will be destroyed in their attempt to prove to the world that there are other facets to their creativity or they succumb willingly and spend the rest of their lives as a travelling freak show, peddling a nostalgia for those now far off, carefree days. Most never have the chance of a repeat performance and slide ungracefully into years of unpaid tax, desperately delaying all attempts to come to terms with the only rational thing to do – get a nine to five job.KLF 009B 1988 (YOU KNOW WHAT’S GONE) TEXT BY: LORD ROCK AND TIME BOY A. Even if the unsuspecting artiste doesn’t know the above, rest assured most of the record business does but for some lemming-like reason refuses to acknowledge it. What was once yours for a few days will now enter the public domain. You will, however, see through our lies and grasp the shining truth within. Our insights will be shot through with distort rays and we will revel in our own inconsistencies. Other than achieving a Number One hit single we offer you nothing else. Fame will flicker and fade and sex will still be a problem. We will lie to you but we will lie to ourselves as well. The celebrated, of course, are apt to fall into a world of drugs, drink, broken marriages and bankruptcy but even this is given the glamour treatment instead of the squalid misery that it is in reality. The majority of Number One’s are achieved early on in the artist’s public career and before they have been able to establish reputations and build a solid fan base. Along with the soap stars, sporting heroes and selected (however distant) members of the Royal Family, pop stars belong to a glittering world of showbiz parties, at one end of the scale, to illicit liaisons, at the other, where their lives are dragged up, dressed up, made up and ultimately destroyed. Because it is only by following the clear and concise instructions contained in this book that you can realise your childish fantasies of having a Number One hit single in the official U. Top 40 thus guaranteeing you a place forever in the sacred annals of Pop History. Be ready to dip your hands in the lucky bag of life, gather the storm clouds of fantasy and anoint your own genius.
If you are in a band you will undoubtedly be aware of the petty squabbles and bitching that develops within them.
It is you, though, who will be responsible for bringing back those lost tastes, smells, tears, pangs, forgotten years and missed chances. People equate a Number One with fame, endless wealth and easy sex – a myth that they want to believe and one that the popular press want to see continued.
In years to come people will stagger home down lonely streets singing your song to the strains of regurgitated vindaloo, all memory of who was behind the song lost.
The fact that a record is Number One automatically means the track is in a very short period of time going to become over exposed and as worthless as last month’s catchphrase.
Basically, a Number One is seen as the ultimate accolade in pop music. Most artists are never able to recover from having one and it becomes the millstone around their necks to which all subsequent releases are compared.
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